So even though the baby is most decidedly in the front, my backside seems to be growing as well. Therefore, I needed to buy some larger unmentionables this weekend (the monthly free VS panty coupon is no longer cutting it!). So I went to Walmart, thinking I could easily pick up a package of cotton maternity panties....it sounded easy enough. But after wandering the clothing section for a while with no signs of anything maternity, I found an employee in the dressing room area and decided to ask for help.
"Can you tell me where the maternity underwear are, please?" I said in an appropriately lowered voice.
"WHAT?" she asked.
"Ahem...Can you please tell me where to find maternity underwear?" I asked again in a normal speaking voice.
"WHAT?" she asked again, more loudly. I began to think she might be hard of hearing.
"Where are the maternity underwear?" I asked with a slightly raised voice.
"Honey, I can't hardly hear you. What do you want?" She said.
"MATERNITY UNDERWEAR!" I said in an embarrassingly raised voice.
"WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR?" She shouted.
"MATERNITY!!!!" I shouted, all my remaining delicacy quietly dying.
"BRAS OR PANTIES??" she shouted.
And I thought of the scene in Little Women where Jo comes upon the pregnant Meg in the garden and asks why her sister didn't write about her condition. "One hardly speaks of such things," says the ladylike Meg. Any Meg-ish-ness I might once have treasured was buried for good when I shouted,
She didn't know where they were. She could not help me. I went home with a wedgie. Yes, a wedgie. I am no longer a lady. Now I'm a mom!
2 years ago