Monday, January 28, 2008

Songs of Hope and Comfort

When I lost April Baby I made myself a cd of songs that comforted me and gave me hope. I offer them here in hopes they do the same for another. I listened to them again and again. They are written on my heart.
1. It Is Well With My Soul
2. The Love of God (Rich Mullins)
3. Never Alone (Barlow Girl)
4. Bound to Come Some Trouble (Rich Mullins)
5. Beauty From Pain (Superchick)
6. I Belong To You (Barlow Girl)
7. Verge Of A Miracle (Rich Mullins)
8. I Have To Believe (Shelly Massey)
9. So Are You To Me (?)
10. Hold Me Jesus (Rich Mullins)
11. Hard To Get (Rich Mullins)
12. All The Way My Savior Leads Me (Rich Mullins)
13. Every Season (Nicole Nordeman)
13. Held (Natalie Grant)

Held is the one I kept on repeat. The words are:
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that Providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What is change and why should we be saved
From nightmares
We're asking why this happened
To us who have died to live
It's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is
To be loved
And to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it
Let the hatred know
Our sorrow
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and
This is what it means to be held
How it feels
When the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell
We'd be held
If hope is born of
If this is only the Beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means
To be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell
We'd be held.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Day by Day

Today I fought tears all day long. I get so irrationally scared for people with the slightest problems in their pregnancies and I feel so panicky. I heard about a woman in town today who went into premature labor (four weeks early) with twins and it just about shut me down. I'm starting to doubt my own ability to survive another pregnancy--if I feel this way about people I don't even know, what will I do when I have my own little one to worry about again? Dr. Tadvick assures me he will see me for more than usual regular check ups when that time comes just to keep my stress level at a minimum. But will it be enough? Between now and then I really need to learn how to let go and trust God. I can't rely on my doctor to keep me sane or preserve a baby's life--only God can do it. Is this why He has me waiting? God, if you do not help me I will not be able to hold on. Keep me in your grip.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Countdown Begins

Today Dr. Tadvick called and said that my hormone level has finally reached zero. He says now we can begin the countdown--monitor the hormone for six months--at the end of which he will allow me to stop birth control and try to conceive. It's been 104 days and I'm so tired of waiting. Despite a huge battery of tests, he and the other doctors say they have no idea why my body held onto the hormone for so long. When I talked to a friend a few weeks ago who miscarried twice before having her beautiful Aiden in October, she said both times her hormone returned to zero within two weeks. That seems typical. In a way it's amazing to me what science can do these days--how much they can find out about me from blood and urine samples. But they can't seem to figure out the part of me that is spirit. My theory is that it's all connected--my body and my spirit--and that my body couldn't let go easily of what my spirit was so attached to. I think I was just fighting to hold onto that pregnancy hormone because every part of me wanted to still be pregnant. But then, I have often suspected that I might be crazy. I am grateful today for both husband and doctor who make me feel sane. Jon swears I'm not crazy despite finding me in tears in the middle of the kitchen floor surrounded by grocery sacks. Dr. Tadvick persists in claiming all of my questions and feelings are valid despite the fact that I've asked some pretty dumb ones. Anyway, my goal now is to make it through the next six months with grace and gratitude.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Victory over me

Today I celebrated a small victory that was huge for me. I intentionally put myself in the presence of a pregnant woman for an hour and left happy for her. It sounds so simple, but it was a huge step forward for me. The woman is one of my yoga instructors and when I started to see her little bulge a couple of months ago, I started to avoid her classes. I have a constant struggle to avoid what I call a spirit of entitlement--close enough to pride to scare me. It starts to creep up whenever I see any pregnant woman, a kind of thought process that says if she deserves a baby why don't I? Sometimes it's because deep down I think I deserve one more than someone who in my judgment is ill-qualified. I know, it sounds terrible. But it's the ugly truth, the darkest part of grief. With this precious woman, it was because she already has one baby. I couldn't stand to be in her class and see how happy she was and how cute her little belly was because I was so jealous. It seemed so unfair that she should be allowed so much when I got nothing. But today I pushed the monster down and took the class. I feel so much better now, like I've exercised something so much more important than muscles. I can feel concern and joy for a woman who has what I want. And I can pray for her without malice. Sweet Jesus, giver of life and all good things, please bless Molly's baby girl with health and strength. Take care of Molly as she carries this child. Thank you for putting her in my path to help me overcome my pride and jealousy. Bless her doctor with wisdom and grace. Thank you for her health and overall well-being. Give her little boy grace to welcome his little sister and her husband the strength to provide and care for them all. You are an awesome and mysterious God and I am overwhelmed.