Monday, February 25, 2008

Strange Bereavements

Who can understand the bereavement of a new dress or a compliment? When I put on my dress last week for my friend Erin's wedding, I just grieved inside because I had so looked forward to wearing a maternity dress to that event. I had shopped and picked out styles I liked. I thought of how fun the pictures would look--all of my best girlfriends, Erin radiant in her white gown, and me with my huge belly. And the other day someone told me she could tell how much weight I'd lost, that I looked good. Then a pregnant woman walked by. What a strange bereavement to wish for her body when someone is complimenting mine. Oh, well, maybe I'll be good and fat soon! One can always hope.

Seven Weeks

I met a beautiful pregnant woman yesterday--she is due April 9th. She said, "Only about six weeks! I'm so ready!" And I thought, it's only about seven weeks until Dr. Tadvick allows me to try to conceive. Am I ready?

Friday, February 1, 2008

Stepping Up

I started a new Bible study by Beth Moore Monday night. It's called Stepping Up: A Journey Through The Psalms of Ascent. So far I have cried through the introduction video and every homework lesson. I am torn between gladness and fear. I am glad I'm doing it because I feel the Holy Spirit has treasure for me in this study. But I'm scared by what I feel Him saying to me: constant reminders that He is the protector of my soul through all of the trials of life's journey. Am I getting this reminder because more hard times are coming? The thought scares me half to death! Or is the enemy trying to make me feel paranoid? In our homework, Beth reminds us that life is like a journey and that sometimes the road is scary. Then she asks if anything has made it feel scary to me lately. Do chickens cross roads in bad jokes? I'm terrified! The knowledge that no matter what I do I can't sustain a life I love keeps me up at night. It is an awesome and terrifying thing to know that in one amazing moment I could be given the gift of life again, but that in another moment it could be torn away, and no matter what I do or how soon I see it happening I can't stop it if it starts to slip away. I'll just have to live through it. My friend asked me to pray for a friend of her's who just had a miscarriage. She started spotting one day and called the doctor. Two or three days later the baby was dead. She couldn't stop it. The doctor couldn't stop it. I feel her anguish. I can hardly stand it. How can so much hope and so much dread live in one heart at once? I so desperately want to be pregnant again (you should just see me--freezing meals, making a pregnancy plan, taking more vitamins than ever, excersising all the time, reading whatever I can, even buying clothes I know will still look good when I have a little belly), but I'm so scared too. Pray for me, friends, to step up. In the end I should just want to take this journey with Christ, no matter what it holds. My hope is this: I know the journey ends in LIFE, not death. But how long will it go on before that?