1 year ago
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Last weekend was hard. We attended two graduations, a wedding, a party, and of course, Mother's Day services at church. In the middle of the first graduation I remembered with a shock that I should have had a two-week old baby by now. I started to wonder how my daily life would have been different by now--I would have stopped working at Thomas, would have been learning to live on a baby's eating and sleeping schedule. Would I have even been able to make it to two graduations and a wedding in one day? Then the big one hit--Mother's Day. It took some convincing for me to even go to church. Then I cried through the first part of the service. D'Linn greeted me with understanding as soon as we arrived--she said she knew exactly what it was like to dread that particular Sunday. Jennifer was very sweet--she brought me a white carnation at the end of the service, told me I'd be a great mom some day. Some Day. That's what hurts. It should have been today. But all in all, I think it was a much better day than I expected. I think there's a verse in Scripture that says something about how we keep going from strength to strength. His strength truly never runs out. Just when I think I'm at the brink, he dries up the Red Sea and takes me through in safety, in victory. I love the Lord. He is so good.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Trying again is hard. Every morning I wake up and beat my hope down with a stick. It's just a small white stick with two windows but sometimes I am amazed at the punch it packs in my day. Every book I read says, just relax--you'll be pregnant before you know it! Relax?! How can you possibly relax with all of these tests and schedules ruling your sex life? Sex should be more relaxing than this! I should be able to visit the bathroom in the morning without holding a stick between my legs and counting exactly five seconds! Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. But as much as my morning start off with that stick taking my hope out behind the shed, I find that hope takes a singular direction: upward. You can beat it down, but it pops back up. I can't help but be excited despite everything.