Friday, January 4, 2008

Victory over me

Today I celebrated a small victory that was huge for me. I intentionally put myself in the presence of a pregnant woman for an hour and left happy for her. It sounds so simple, but it was a huge step forward for me. The woman is one of my yoga instructors and when I started to see her little bulge a couple of months ago, I started to avoid her classes. I have a constant struggle to avoid what I call a spirit of entitlement--close enough to pride to scare me. It starts to creep up whenever I see any pregnant woman, a kind of thought process that says if she deserves a baby why don't I? Sometimes it's because deep down I think I deserve one more than someone who in my judgment is ill-qualified. I know, it sounds terrible. But it's the ugly truth, the darkest part of grief. With this precious woman, it was because she already has one baby. I couldn't stand to be in her class and see how happy she was and how cute her little belly was because I was so jealous. It seemed so unfair that she should be allowed so much when I got nothing. But today I pushed the monster down and took the class. I feel so much better now, like I've exercised something so much more important than muscles. I can feel concern and joy for a woman who has what I want. And I can pray for her without malice. Sweet Jesus, giver of life and all good things, please bless Molly's baby girl with health and strength. Take care of Molly as she carries this child. Thank you for putting her in my path to help me overcome my pride and jealousy. Bless her doctor with wisdom and grace. Thank you for her health and overall well-being. Give her little boy grace to welcome his little sister and her husband the strength to provide and care for them all. You are an awesome and mysterious God and I am overwhelmed.

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