Thursday, January 17, 2008

Countdown Begins

Today Dr. Tadvick called and said that my hormone level has finally reached zero. He says now we can begin the countdown--monitor the hormone for six months--at the end of which he will allow me to stop birth control and try to conceive. It's been 104 days and I'm so tired of waiting. Despite a huge battery of tests, he and the other doctors say they have no idea why my body held onto the hormone for so long. When I talked to a friend a few weeks ago who miscarried twice before having her beautiful Aiden in October, she said both times her hormone returned to zero within two weeks. That seems typical. In a way it's amazing to me what science can do these days--how much they can find out about me from blood and urine samples. But they can't seem to figure out the part of me that is spirit. My theory is that it's all connected--my body and my spirit--and that my body couldn't let go easily of what my spirit was so attached to. I think I was just fighting to hold onto that pregnancy hormone because every part of me wanted to still be pregnant. But then, I have often suspected that I might be crazy. I am grateful today for both husband and doctor who make me feel sane. Jon swears I'm not crazy despite finding me in tears in the middle of the kitchen floor surrounded by grocery sacks. Dr. Tadvick persists in claiming all of my questions and feelings are valid despite the fact that I've asked some pretty dumb ones. Anyway, my goal now is to make it through the next six months with grace and gratitude.

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