Thursday, December 6, 2007

Christmas Tree

My Christmas tree looks beautiful tonight--very festive in sparkling reds and golds. But for me it was a kind of bereavement--decorating this tree today. In my mind I keep picturing it the way I wanted it, not the way it is. I had so looked forward to doing a pink and blue tree this year and taking a picture in front of it with Jon, baby obvious in my womb. It would have been so silly and cute. And we would have shown our little one someday the picture of his or her very first Christmas. As I journal by Christmas tree light, this perfect tree fills me with a sense of emptiness for everything that is not perfect. And these ornaments of hope fill me with dread as I wonder--will I ever get to take that picture? The fragility of some of my nicest ornaments reminds me of the delicacy of life and how quickly joy can shatter. Life is so fragile and yet my own life goes resolutely on and my own heart beats indelicately in my chest despite its brokenness. I wonder how I am surviving this. And yet moment by moment, I start to find reasons for joy and gratitude. I have learned that God's grace is sufficient for me. Even if I never get to do a pink and blue tree or hang funky child-made ornaments on one, I know God will never let me fall. He has never failed me yet. And I will hope in Him who can bring me through my worst fears broken, but alive.

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