Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Beginning to sink

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him, "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matthew 14:29-31

It has been nearly eight years since the end of Jacob's Well, the ministry I worked for. I still dream about it sometimes. A lot, lately. In the past eight years I've noticed a tendency to turn myself over to grief when I think about it too much. I still feel it so.

I still feel betrayed. I still feel embarrassed and guilty that I didn't have more discernment. I still feel an unbearable weight on my chest when I think of the friend whose marriage was taken by the enemy and so much more. I still sometimes weep when I wonder about the girls. And I still feel confused.

I could sink in these feelings. And sink and sink. And drown. Gulp the water and feel it burn my lungs until I am finally beyond feeling. I could do that.

Or I could do what Peter did. I could cry out, "Lord, save me!" and feel His hand catch me up. Feel Him set me in a spacious place. On solid ground.

This time I choose this again. How many times has He saved me since the cross? I ask Him to do it again. I ask Him to cease my trembling and lift my chin. I ask Him to woo my friend, to lavish her with His unfailing love. I ask Him to seal the girls as His own forever. I beg that they will not reject the gospel because they saw it so abused.

And I pray for the grace to cry out again the next time I begin to sink. His salvation is immediate even when my faith falters.


BK said...

"How many times has He saved me since the cross?" Brilliant! In your vulnerability, Christ is glorified, as He always is. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

Shanna said...

I wish there were words . . .

I miss you.