Last weekend was hard. We attended two graduations, a wedding, a party, and of course, Mother's Day services at church. In the middle of the first graduation I remembered with a shock that I should have had a two-week old baby by now. I started to wonder how my daily life would have been different by now--I would have stopped working at Thomas, would have been learning to live on a baby's eating and sleeping schedule. Would I have even been able to make it to two graduations and a wedding in one day? Then the big one hit--Mother's Day. It took some convincing for me to even go to church. Then I cried through the first part of the service. D'Linn greeted me with understanding as soon as we arrived--she said she knew exactly what it was like to dread that particular Sunday. Jennifer was very sweet--she brought me a white carnation at the end of the service, told me I'd be a great mom some day. Some Day. That's what hurts. It should have been today. But all in all, I think it was a much better day than I expected. I think there's a verse in Scripture that says something about how we keep going from strength to strength. His strength truly never runs out. Just when I think I'm at the brink, he dries up the Red Sea and takes me through in safety, in victory. I love the Lord. He is so good.

Trying Again

Trying again is hard. Every morning I wake up and beat my hope down with a stick. It's just a small white stick with two windows but sometimes I am amazed at the punch it packs in my day. Every book I read says, just relax--you'll be pregnant before you know it! Relax?! How can you possibly relax with all of these tests and schedules ruling your sex life? Sex should be more relaxing than this! I should be able to visit the bathroom in the morning without holding a stick between my legs and counting exactly five seconds! Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. But as much as my morning start off with that stick taking my hope out behind the shed, I find that hope takes a singular direction: upward. You can beat it down, but it pops back up. I can't help but be excited despite everything.

Green Light

My green light to ttc is coming in just a few weeks so I'm starting to really roll with what I call my "Pregnancy Plan." Basically I'm taking steps to prepare myself for pregnancy--trying out meals and compiling a set of menus that can be made quickly on those days when fatigue keeps me out of the kitchen; exercising to make sure my body is in shape to carry a baby; taking vitamins daily--calcium, bioflavinoids, and prenatal vitamins; getting my house ready by having carpets cleaned and getting rid of excess stuff in closets so that when the time comes to prepare house for baby it won't be such a big chore. But the best news of all is that I finally feel ready. I have not had any of those weepy, depressed, scared days in a long time. I can talk about it without emotion. I am not afraid to get pregnant, not afraid even of loss I think. I accept the fact that even with everything I'm doing, I could still miscarry a second time and I'm okay with it. When I imagine my future, I imagine it with God taking care of me no matter what, as He always has done. So when my light turns green, I'm ready to go, no matter what the road ahead holds.

What NOT To Say

Last week at Bible study, during our discussion time, a woman said such an insensitive thing to me. It hurt me, but I am willing to recognize that she didn't mean for it to and that I have probably said foolish, hurtful things in ignorance too. This is not meant as a rant on her or to make anyone angry--just a kind warning of what not to say. She said, "God is probably protecting these women from something through miscarriage. You just never know what He is protecting you from." I would really like to know what she thinks we need to be protected from in the love and parenting of a child. This is not the first time someone has suggested that miscarriage was the better option if the child would have had severe problems. They say, "Oh, a chromosome defect--that could be Downs Syndrome. Maybe God just knew better." Please don't say that to me. Would a child be less worthy of my love for having Downs? Or is it that I'm not capable in the grace of God to handle a child with special needs? Please be careful with what you say.

Strange Bereavements

Who can understand the bereavement of a new dress or a compliment? When I put on my dress last week for my friend Erin's wedding, I just grieved inside because I had so looked forward to wearing a maternity dress to that event. I had shopped and picked out styles I liked. I thought of how fun the pictures would look--all of my best girlfriends, Erin radiant in her white gown, and me with my huge belly. And the other day someone told me she could tell how much weight I'd lost, that I looked good. Then a pregnant woman walked by. What a strange bereavement to wish for her body when someone is complimenting mine. Oh, well, maybe I'll be good and fat soon! One can always hope.

Seven Weeks

I met a beautiful pregnant woman yesterday--she is due April 9th. She said, "Only about six weeks! I'm so ready!" And I thought, it's only about seven weeks until Dr. Tadvick allows me to try to conceive. Am I ready?

Stepping Up

I started a new Bible study by Beth Moore Monday night. It's called Stepping Up: A Journey Through The Psalms of Ascent. So far I have cried through the introduction video and every homework lesson. I am torn between gladness and fear. I am glad I'm doing it because I feel the Holy Spirit has treasure for me in this study. But I'm scared by what I feel Him saying to me: constant reminders that He is the protector of my soul through all of the trials of life's journey. Am I getting this reminder because more hard times are coming? The thought scares me half to death! Or is the enemy trying to make me feel paranoid? In our homework, Beth reminds us that life is like a journey and that sometimes the road is scary. Then she asks if anything has made it feel scary to me lately. Do chickens cross roads in bad jokes? I'm terrified! The knowledge that no matter what I do I can't sustain a life I love keeps me up at night. It is an awesome and terrifying thing to know that in one amazing moment I could be given the gift of life again, but that in another moment it could be torn away, and no matter what I do or how soon I see it happening I can't stop it if it starts to slip away. I'll just have to live through it. My friend asked me to pray for a friend of her's who just had a miscarriage. She started spotting one day and called the doctor. Two or three days later the baby was dead. She couldn't stop it. The doctor couldn't stop it. I feel her anguish. I can hardly stand it. How can so much hope and so much dread live in one heart at once? I so desperately want to be pregnant again (you should just see me--freezing meals, making a pregnancy plan, taking more vitamins than ever, excersising all the time, reading whatever I can, even buying clothes I know will still look good when I have a little belly), but I'm so scared too. Pray for me, friends, to step up. In the end I should just want to take this journey with Christ, no matter what it holds. My hope is this: I know the journey ends in LIFE, not death. But how long will it go on before that?